Know You Are Not Alone

By Deborah Dilman

Alimony Claims Are Changing

You’re divorcing and, well, you feel like you’re alone even though family and friends tell you “you’re not alone”. Sure, around 50% of married couples end up divorcing, so statistically these people are right – you’re not alone. But, still, it feels as if you’re alone and guess what, that is a normal feeling.

My name is Deb Dilman, and I’m an attorney here at Marcellino & Tyson. I am here to tell you that divorcing is a personal journey for you as much as it is for your family. And, this journey is different depending on whether the breakup was mutual or depending on who made the decision to break up. The good news, and there is good news, is that the divorce process, while difficult, is a part of your life, a journey that you will get past if you allow yourself to do so.

Psychology Today, and other online sites, lists various stages that someone likely goes through when a relationship ends. These stages may not come to you in any particular order, you may not experience all of the stages, or you may go in and out of a particular stage more than once. The point is, that, like the stages when grieving the death of a loved one, you will experience different stages of emotions while healing from the break up.  It’s a process you may not be able to do or want to do by yourself. Remember, you are not alone. There are many people suffering like you are and have made the decision to seek help to close this chapter of your life and move on.

For many, perhaps like yourself, the thought of asking for emotional help is extremely difficult. Quite frankly, you may find it easier to deal with the tangible things – the finances, the house, the debt. But, it may be difficult to do these things effectively if you are not taking care of your emotions too. You may feel as though you can handle the divorce process on your own, or that people will pass judgment on you for not only getting divorced, but for seeking emotional support to assist you in the process. Don’t worry about what others may say or do. Take the steps you need to make you healthy and happy again. The important thing for you to remember is that every single divorce is unique and different, just as you are unique and different from everyone else.

And, because you are unique, you will emotionally handle the divorce differently from other family members or friends who have also experienced divorce. I believe every individual going through separation and divorce could use a little emotional support from an expert. I believe all of us need those reassurances that we are going to be okay. It’s easier to see that on paper, when looking at the assets to be distributed or creating a parenting schedule. It’s more difficult to understand that you are going to be okay, perhaps even better than okay, but certainly better than you were in your marriage. Validation of who you are and what you are feeling is so important when a relationship you’ve been in ends.

Therapists are great at what they do. They can suggest other community organizations who may be able to assist you; not only are there individuals going through similar experiences, there are groups of individuals meeting on a regular basis who are also going through similar experiences. There are also specific organizations designed to address not only the emotional side of separation, but the financial and legal side as well.

There are several divorce groups that meet at varying times for a structured 13-week workshop. These are facilitated groups but address various phases of the process, including the emotional and financial aspects of separation and divorce. And during the 13-week period you will also likely learn useful information about parenting your children as a single parent. The website is divorcecare.org.

There is also a non-profit organization with a presence in North Carolina that holds a workshop once a month for women. The half-day workshop provides general information on the legal, financial, and emotional aspects of separation and divorce. The website is secondsaturday.com.

The greater Charlotte-Metropolitan area also offers several meet ups designed as divorce support groups. When I did a quick search, I found several different meet up groups focusing on people going through separation and divorce. Try googling divorce support meet ups Charlotte, NC.

Group activities may not be your thing; but they serve a great purpose and are usually less expensive than individual therapy. However, know that money spent for a few sessions with a therapist to help yourself is always money well spent. It’s money you are investing in yourself. If you’re worthwhile, it’s worthwhile. It really is that simple. And, nowadays, many insurance providers cover therapy. For those carriers that do not have insurance, a therapist may be willing to charge a reduced rate or you may be able to file it against your insurance deductible and benefit that way. Regardless, taking the step to see a therapist should be looked at as a brave, smart decision, and not as a sign of weakness or insecurity.

The emotional side of separation and divorce is extremely difficult for most people, if not everyone, to manage. Know you are not alone; but you are unique and your situation differs from everyone else’s separation and divorce. Take the steps you need to ensure that you will live the rest of your life in a physically and emotionally healthy way.

And, when you’re ready, the solutions-oriented attorneys at Marcellino & Tyson are ready to assist you with closing this chapter of your life. To learn more and set up a consultation with me, call 704-919-1519 or visit our website at www.yourncattorney.com